Balham

Balham (Blaaaahhhhmmm yaahhhhh??)

Well, you were warned not to expect anything timely from this blog weren't you? True to my word, I have left a vast period of time in between posts. How did you occupy yourself in the meantime? Must have been awful. Ok, off we go...

Balham Waitrose is certainly not the best known of the South West London branches. Clapham Junction, Wandsworth, Putney...I don't need to tell you the big names. (Side note: Wouldn't it be cool if the employees at each branch referred to them as 'firms' instead of branches? That would really intensify the rivalry. I assume there is rivalry). The Balham Firm certainly isn't showy like some of the Waitroses in more affluent areas (Windsor par examplé, review to follow soon). But if you think about it... really think (ok don't strain anything) it actually offers serious benefits for patronage. For starters it is located on the CS7 (Cycle-Superhighway, the), which stretches from the City to Merton. In my time I have cycled the entire length of this route, and can't really understand why two such places were linked. I mean Merton... and the City. But whatever they were smoking in city hall when they drew up the plans, CS7 is rather useful. The Balham Boys (and Chicks...and Trans Genders...didn't see any though...and obvious ones anyway) have embraced the cycling theme, and instead of just putting a few poxy bike racks in a dingy corner of the car park, there are shiny bike bays right in front of the store. I mean right in front! It’s like having diamond bike shaped grill in your mouth. It's like a bleeding bike pride parade out there on a Saturday morning. Unfortunately this can't be seen from the photo above because, and pause for a moment to appreciate, someone has parked their massive 4 by 4 in the middle of my shot and obscured the bike bays. Will there be no end to the injustice?

What can also be seen in this shot is a lady who did not give me explicit permission to take a photo of her. In my defence I was not attempting to take a photo of her, but she walked into frame (that's photography lingo for that square bit with the shit in it you are snapping at) and I hadn't realised until a split second after pressing the button. She looked straight at me, my phone still raised to my face photo taking style. She had an expression lacking both sympathy and understanding. From her perspective, our meeting had all the abruptness and menace of a climber encountering a grizzly bear around a narrow mountain pass; me being the bear in this case, she being the frightened climber, uncomfortably aware of her mortality. Clearly, the thought of it being actually perfectly OK for a large man in cycling shorts taking photos in a supermarket car park was a concept this young lady couldn't ,or wouldn't, entertain with any degree of hospitality. I could have attempted to explain my motives for taking the photo, namely the impetus behind this blog itself (see Manifesto).  Allowing myself three seconds to decide between my options, I opted to beat the retreat, leaving her to draw what narrow-minded and jaundiced interpretations she would as to what I was actually doing. (NOTE TO SELF: Print cards with a link to the blog to hand out to women/people who I may encounter on my journey so as to explain behaviour). 

The interior of the Balham Waitrose is a standard rectangular format, with aisles going up and down within. The entrance is actually in the bottom left of the building, and as with most Waitrose, you start with the fruit and veg section. The Fish, Meat and Bakery sections stretch across the back wall, and the booze is stuck in the top right corner. They have limited self-service check out facilities, kicking it old school with actual 'human beings' for you to ignore whilst they beep through your indulgent groceries over and over, one by one...

It's a very good sized Waitrose all in all, and has a really nice flow to it. Mid-week day time it's quiet as anything as Balham is commuter-ville, but I get the impression that come Saturday morning it would be hellish, unless you like prams and SW-ILFS (Milfs from SW got it?)...well I'm a 50 percenter on that. The big discussion point for the Balham branch is that it offers a John Lewis buy and collect service. This is a very useful tool, if you are the sort of person who buys John Lewis merch (I am on occasion, deal with it). Useful in theory, however the system in place at Balham Waitrose is chaotic. You hand in your little order confirmation slip at the information desk, which is immediately in front of the entrance to the store. You then are told simply to wait, and gestured towards an orderless assembly of other people in the same boat. Given the proximity to the entrance/exit of the building, there are just loads of random people hanging about, and the staff at the desk find it hard to actual work out who is wanting what. You have already handed over your slip so when your goods turn up from behind the scenes of the store somewhere, the long digits read out mean absolutely nothing to the captivated crowd. The staff at the desk then must read out exactly what is included in the order for all those within earshot to digest. Invasion of privacy? Uh…yah! So in short, Waitrose and John Lewis are trying a bit of an Argos operation, without the minerals or pedigree to pull it off. The Argos 'Firm' might have a few things to say about that.

Blahhhm Waitrose is one I am fond of all in all though, and the collection service will no doubt improve. It's a logical, navigable store, large enough to provide what you want, but not anonymous, and very much of it's setting.  The superb cycle-friendly aspect of it’s character wins me over, so the teething problems I encountered are easily tolerated. I just hope that the citizens of the people’s republic of Balham employ the same open-minded outlook on life that I do.

Until next time…